Lap Dance

This blog documents my experience with the adjustable gastric band. The surgery took place in July, and thus the pre-op and post-op information can be found in the July archive.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Why Am I Not a Sex Symbol?

This morning Mr. Kennedy and I went to the gym while we watched Celebrity Fit Club. I hit a fitness milestone: I ran a mile without stopping. Twice, in fact. I ran a mile, then walked .4 of a mile, and then ran another mile. And it wasn't even that hard. Mr. Kennedy told me on the way home that some guy was checking me out while I did it. Haven't heard that in a long time.

That got me thinking. I'm now the same size that I was in high school, and back then I thought I was quite the hottie. I would never think that about myself now, even though I pretty much look exactly the same. What a difference five years of being overweight makes. Was I deluded then, or am I deluded now? A little of both?

Shopping Spree Total: $560

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Four Pounds Down!

I weighed in this morning at 165.5, down four pounds for the week! Hooray! The hard work and recommitment this week paid off in what was my best weight loss since the liquid diet.

In a fit of happiness, I went into my guest room and tried on the final pile of clothes, Size 10. Nearly all of it fit. The dress I wore in my engagement photo. My jeans from high school. All the Casual Corner clearance sale items. My high school Christmas dance dress (I don't know why I still have this - after I assured myself that it fit, I put it in the donation box). There were several suits that now fit, but are not nicely enough made for me to wear now. I'm going to find a women's shelter to give them to right away. They'd be perfect for an interview for a white collar job, and they're in great shape.

Afterwards, I went to the gym to watch the basketball game. I did 50 minutes of interval training on the incline trainer, good for 900 calories.

This could have been a great day for weight loss, except I ate three fajitas for lunch and three fajitas for dinner, and that's simply too many calories. When am I going to learn not to blow it on the weekends? I disappoint myself so often.

Shopping Spree Total: $560

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Miscellany

Bummer on the scale this morning - bounced back up to 167, probably due to dehydration. My stomach was still pissed off about yesterday's muffin mishap, so I got stuck quite a bit today. I steered clear of my morning eggs in favor of fruit for breakfast.

To mix it up a bit yesterday, I did part of the Couch-to-5k training program. I did 3/4 mile jogging, 1/2 mile walking, and 3/4 mile jogging. It was rougher than I like to admit, but I just thought it was tough on my breathing apparatus. However, when I woke up this morning, it felt like my hamstrings, quads, hip flexors and abs were on fire. Just when I start to delude myself that I'm in shape...

I'd like to do some shout-outs today, both to things and people.

1. Congratulations to the two regular commenters who got banded this week - I'm so glad everything went well and you're bounding back nicely. May God and your surgeon grant you faster restriction than I got. :)
2. Campbell's Soup-At-Hand soups. Low calorie, easy to store and eat, gets me through the rough spots.
3. The Smart Bandster discussion group on Yahoo! The moderator of the DFW Bandster Board was lamenting how unkind the people on that board were, and that struck me as my kind of place. I decided to check it out. Good stuff.
4. GenSoy potato-soy chips. Eat the whole bag for 5 points (315 calories), and you get a great chip fix. Good for those days when you need salt, or when you need something that takes a while to munch on.

Shopping Spree Total: $550

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Muffins are my Enemy

I left work early to drive to my alma mater to attend a basketball game this evening. The first pair of pants I put on was WAY too baggy to go with the cute little polo shirt I was wearing, so I tried on a pair of size ten khakis. I have a rule that I don't wear the next size smaller until it fits perfectly, not just as soon as I can squeeze my ass into it. The goal is to avoid looking like a sausage. The khakis looked perfect, and I wore them to the game very comfortably.

Mr. Kennedy made some bran muffins, and asked me to try one as we were walking out the door to go to the game. I took a bite, chewed well, swallowed, and got very, very stuck. Sliming, and later mouth-sweats, then gagging. It was a bad show. It didn't feel like the muffin went through the band for about two hours after that, even though I felt significantly better before then.

I think irritated my stomach to the point where it swelled pretty badly. We went to dinner with my parents, and I had salmon and mashed potatoes. Every bite hurt, and I had to go cough some of it up halfway through. I was still hungry, but it wasn't worth the discomfort to keep trying.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Achievement!

Yesterday and today I got up and went to the gym like I'm supposed to, and my eating has been a model of perfection. I am a dieting machine. :)

Reader, you are surely aware of how much I loathe liquid Tylenol. I hate the regular kind at the same pace that I hate all cough syrup, but I cannot express how disgusting the vanilla Tylenol PM is. It tastes like eating ice cream and then throwing it up in your mouth. Anyway, I find got the courage to try taking a regular Tylenol capsule. It went just fine, and didn't mess me up at all. I cannot express how much this has improved the quality of my life.

Now for the best part - this morning I was 166.0, down 3.5 pounds for the week! If I can even sustain this until Saturday, it will be my best week since the liquid diet. Perhaps this will help me to learn that I will be way more successful if I don't totally blow it every weekend.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A New Beginning

I got up early this morning to go work out, and put in a great session on the incline. I also replaced my gym pass - I can't find mine. The exercise wasn't great last week. After the gym, Mr. Kennedy and I went grocery shopping, and I made sure I had some good lunch options and all the stuff to get back to eating an omelet every morning.

We had guests to watch football this afternoon, and I made a healthy spread. Fajitas with low fat topping, guacamole and baked chips, and low cal taco dip. Everybody else had beer, but I hate beer, so that was no temptation for me. I feel good about getting back on track. Now I'll keep my fingers crossed to see some results this week.

Shopping Spree Total: $535

Saturday, January 21, 2006

An End to a Bad Week

Okay, I weighed in today at 169.5. Up .5 for the week.

I think that I have hit the wall. Having the band is still a diet for me, and I have been dieting for seven months. I think the last few weeks has been the point at which, without the band, I would start to put the weight back on. It is now my job to make sure that I go the right direction from this crossroads.

It's hard because I'm content with how I look now. Don't get me wrong, I could still stand to lose a few from the appearance perspective, but it's pretty satisfactory. I need to muster the effort to keep going south.

The first thing I need to do is stop overeating on weekends. I do fine all week, and then I go out to eat with Mr. Kennedy three times on the weekend and blow all of my fine efforts. So today, I went to Chili's and had the Guiltless Pita (580 calories), and that's all I had for the day. Today is the day I stopped the bleeding.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Fill Appointment

I went to see Dr. Horgan for a fill today. He had me drink the barium under fluoro, and declined to give me any further saline. Again. This is the second time this has happened. I'm really frustrated with the lack of restriction at this point.

Dr. Horgan checked my weight stats, and was delighted at my weight loss over the last month. He made a big deal about going from obese to overweight. His positive reinforcement is very rare, and I felt a lot better about myself.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Liquid Diet

So much for the liquid diet. That lasted until about 2:00, when I went to Taco Fresco and got me some fajitas. Without fear as a motivator, I guess the liquid diet just isn't for me.

I was really sad and depressed last night, so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. The alarm went off far too soon, and I didn't get up and work out. Not a great start to the week. I did come home and ride the bike for quite a while, so I'm good on the exercise thing. I just wanted to show some morning discipline, and that didn't happen.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Pull Up My Socks

Today seemed like a good day to pull up my socks and try to pull myself together. I made a big pot of chili to facilitate better eating, even though my husband promptly ate the majority of it while I was gone judging a moot court competition.

I have to come up with some motivation to keep losing weight. I have a fill appointment on Wednesday. I'm going to try to be on a liquid diet this week and see if I can drop some quick weight and find some motivation. I tried on a size ten suit today, and it fit perfectly. I sent it to the tailor to get it hemmed for my court appearance on Thursday.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Not So Fast, Commenter Barb!

In the Comment section of my last post, Barb was praising me for doing so well. Boy, did she speak too soon, although I dearly appreciate the encouragement.

Mr. Kennedy and I have recently experienced some personal setbacks, and for some reason this week I really bottomed out emotionally. Five years ago my brother was killed, and obviously that was a time of deep despair and depression for me. The kind where one starts contemplating suicide in an intellectual sense (i.e., "maybe Mr. Kennedy would be better off if he could start over without me, even though he doesn't see it that way), rather than in an action-oriented way (i.e., "on Tuesday, I'll do X to put my plan into motion").

I started feeling that way again this week. Believe me, from a rational standpoint, our problem is not that serious, and it's certainly not irrevocable. I know all too well how bad life can get, and this ain't it. But I started feeling that nagging depression again. Any time I wasn't busy doing something, I just wanted to sit down and cry. I feel so very guilty and angry, and then I realize that my emotions are keeping me from supporting my husband like I can, and then I felt like a horrible wife, and that made me feel worse. Poor Mr. Kennedy could only listen and watch me disintegrate, poor man.

The whole thing started when I went home for Christmas, and my parents took me aside and gave me a big speech about how I should be having grandchildren for them. Look, I know everyone gets that speech, but my parents put a special twist on it to make me feel guilty: they had convinced themselves that I don't want to have a baby because I'm afraid something will happen to it, like something happened to my brother.

I don't know if I will ever want kids, and I already feel guilty and less womanly because of that. But I also felt like my parents expect me to have a baby to bring joy and purpose back to their lives, and by not having one I am deliberately denying them that.

Then came the usual post-holiday blahs , coupled with the fact that the scale promptly refound all the weight I lost last week (how does that happen), and lickety split, I felt like a piece of shit. Finally today I just ate my heart out after fighting the urge all week. I had a croissant, a big cookie, three slices of deep-dish pizza, and then I took Mr. Kennedy to a restaurant when I got home from work. I just didn't care any more.

The only thing that has seemed to help this week is exercise. So I'm going every single day until I stop feeling like this, because I'm scaring myself and I'm scaring the HELL out of Mr. Kennedy. I even got up and went to the gym at 6:00 this morning.

Someone posted on the Bandster board that he didn't think that there was any scientific reason that someone couldn't lose all the way down to their goal weight with the band; he just felt that as time goes on after surgery people lose their focus on weight loss and become less motivated. That's where I am right now. I made an appointment for a fill on Wednesday, and I'm planning to go on a liquid diet all week next week to get my weight going south again.

Shopping Spree Total: $515

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Weekly Weigh-In

This week I'm 167 pounds, down 2.5 for the week and 41 pounds overall. Not too shabby!

This evening I went to dinner for my mom's birthday, and she gave me an old junky exercise bike they ad in their basement. I just want something to do to get my pulse up while I'm watching TV. I can't just sit; I have to do something while watching TV or I just contemplate how lazy I am. My options are to sew or to ride the exercise bike. I can't bring myself to start a new sewing project. I made a quilt last summer, and I haven't been able to summon the will to sew again after that debacle. So exercise bike it is.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

No Longer Obese

This morning I returned to my pre-Christmas weight of 169, and I reached an important goal. According to the Body Mass Index (BMI), I am at 29.9. Therefore, I am no longer obese, but am merely overweight. I'm not sure why this pleases me as much as it does. :)

The gym this morning was a total zoo, packed with New Year's Resolutioners. I wish these exercise newbies all the best, but I do wish they'd just not go to the gym while I'm there. Fortunately or unfortunately, they'll all be gone by next month. I'll bide my time.

Mr. Kennedy made a truly memorable dish for dinner tonight: pork tenderloin with a mushroom sherry sauce. Holy crap, it was delicious, and only six points.

We flipped back and forth between the Orange Bowl and Scrubs on TV tonight. I hadn't seen Scrubs in more than a year, and I'd forgotten how hysterically funny that show is.

Shopping Spree Total: $480

Monday, January 02, 2006

More Questions

Jessica wrote:

Do you and Mr. Kennedy still eat the same meals together and you just eat less? Or do you eat completely separate things? I think my husband is going to have a hard time with me getting the band simply because we both love to eat.

My response:

For the most part, we eat the same meals. He does most of the cooking, and he usually makes a main dish and a vegetable side. I will either eat only one, or a little of both. Sometimes I'm simply not hungry for dinner, in which case Mr. Kennedy will eat before I get home from work. I have a real problem with being triggered by seeing food; I don't want it until I see it. When Mr. Kennedy eats before I'm there to see it, it helps me avoid eating when I'm not hungry.