Lap Dance

This blog documents my experience with the adjustable gastric band. The surgery took place in July, and thus the pre-op and post-op information can be found in the July archive.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Weekly Weigh-In

I weighed in at 169.5 for the week. Disappointing, but not unexpected after the Christmas difficulty.

I feel very unmotivated right now. It's hard to stay focused on losing weight for such a long time. I know getting another fill would bring focus, but I still feel like I can lose weight without the fill.

I participate in the DFW Bandsters discussion group on Yahoo!, and I'm beginning to realize that those posters are very rah-rah pro-band. I think that there is some peer pressure on there not to discuss one's struggles with the band that aren't medically caused (i.e., lack of motivation, bad food choices, unexplained plateaus). Every once in a while some poster will make an offhanded remark that makes me realize that those people don't just mechanically drop two pounds per week like it seems.

For example, someone said they were on anti-anxiety and depression meds the entire time they were losing weight. I can totally understand why! My mood swings wildly based on the morning scale result, and I feel like a failure so much of the time.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Taking Questions

I've been getting a lot of questions in the Comments section, and if I think they're of general interest, I'll re-post them and answer them in the main thread. I don't know if readers tend to read the comments or not. I enjoy getting all you guys' thoughts, so keep them coming. As you can see, I'm quite happy to take questions.

Anonymous asked:
What is your daily point intake goal? And or calorie goal? Also, What about fruit and veggies? Do you have alot of trouble with those? What im getting is protein is primary, then what?

Anonymous -
My points range is 20-25 points per day, as is the Weight Watchers guideline for someone who weighs 150-174 lbs. My calorie goal is vaguely 1000-1200, but I really just pay attention to the points. I don't know if you want to know whether I have trouble getting fruits and vegetables down without getting stuck, or whether I just find it hard to find space in my stomach for them at meal times. I don't have any trouble getting them down so long as I chew well, and I don't really have trouble making room for them either.

Protein is a priority because your body cannot stockpile it like fat. You must constantly replenish your body's supply of protein. If you don't, you will start to lose your hair. Luckily for bandsters, there are plenty of protein drinks or shakes on the market, and you can always get those down.

I find it difficult to make sure that I am getting enough vitamins and fiber. I'm not a huge fruits and veggies fan, and neither is Mr. Kennedy. I take a chewable Centrum every day, and that takes care of it. The fiber is tough, and frankly, I struggle with staying regular. I take 3-4 chewable fiber tablets each morning to help keep things flowing. That usually does the trick, but if it requires more coaxing then Milk of Magnesia is the order of the day. I definitely notice if I don't take the fiber tablets each day. When one is banded, one should still poop every day for a myriad of reasons.

Now that you know more about my bathroom habits than you ever wanted to, let's move on to Jessica's questions:

1. Have you told anyone else about your surgery?
2. Has anyone become suspicious because of cutting food up real small or chewing 1,000 times? 3. How do you handle compliments about your weight loss? If anyone asks how you're doing it, do you just say Weight Watchers? I guess saying "eating less and exercising more" isn't a lie, but I'm one that feels an obligation to give too much information (my husband gets on me about this all the time). I guess it really isn't anyone's business.

Jessica-
1. No. I've still only told Mr. Kennedy and my mother, and I think it's the best decision I've made in this whole process. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I definitely wouldn't want more from the outside. I wouldn't want people watching what or how I eat, or monitoring my weight loss.

2. No one is the slightest bit suspicious. No one pays as much attention to me as it feels like they do - it's totally a function of self-consciousness. I had a cover story for the surgery, and that was the last anyone has said about it. I am 100% sure no one knows.

3. Fascinating that you should mention this, since it has only come up recently. First, I had NO TROUBLE WHATSOEVER taking credit for my weight loss before I had restriction. I did the first 37 pounds of it all on my own through diet and exercise. Now I struggle with the question, which I've only gotten once recently.

Jessica, you and I must be particularly honest people, because I don't think most people would have any trouble taking credit for the band's results. I think that my reticence to take credit stems from my shame that I had to have help to keep weight off in the first place. That's a tough admission to make, even to one's self.

When I'm asked, I say something flippant, true and vague, like "Lots of hard work" or "Diet and exercise." And I leave it at that.

Shopping Spree Total: $465

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Reply to Anonymous

An anonymous reader left a comment on a recent post, and I thought he or she asked good questions, so I'm posting the comment and my reply in the main text for everyone's benefit.

Anonymous wrote:
I am not banded but am following along trying to get a feel for this thing. I see you type things like "i only had 1/2 of a burrito," and comments on eating and drinking carbonated beverages. Please correct me if im wrong, but isnt the point of the band to actually eat less? And are you supposed to eat and drink at the same time? I thought breads were a no no with a pouch type stomach. Just wondering.

My reply:
All good questions. I'll take them in the order you asked. First, half of a burrito is absolutely all I could eat without bringing it back up. I could eat 3-4 times that prior to surgery. If you can only eat half a burrito at a sitting without the band, then you really don't need this surgery. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your question: eat less than what? Than I did before surgery? Than what I eat now?

My surgeon tells me that I can drink carbonated beverages as long as they don't hurt. They don't, so I do. Some mornings a Diet Coke will hurt, and then I don't drink it for the rest of the day. I have cut back to one soda per day, but that's just because I want to and not because I have to.

In fact, "if it hurts don't do it" is the general rule with the band. If you can eat bread and it doesn't hurt, then eat it. There's nothing you CAN'T have, but there may be things you won't want to have because getting stuck is quite unpleasant. Those foods differ from person to person. Right now, I'm lucky - there's nothing that I can't tolerate if I chew it well. That may not always be the case.

There is really no medical reason why one cannot eat and drink at the same time with the band. However, liquids will wash the food through the band faster than it would go on its own, which causes two things: 1) you can eat more at a sitting, and 2) you will get hungry again a bit faster. I try not to eat while drinking, but I'm not the greatest at that. I'm working on knocking that off. Sometimes being able to eat more at a sitting has practical advantages. I'll leave you to figure out what they may be.

Another thought: I don't think I'm as tight as I could be. However, I am tight enough that I can lose weight if I work at it, and I don't feel the need to take it to the extreme for the fun of it. Because it's not fun to struggle with food, and it's hard to keep the band a secret if you're constantly choking to death at the table. I have been told by people on the Yahoo! Struggling Bandsters board that being really tight will make me stop drinking with meals, because it will make me bring it up. I fight the urge every day to crank the band up all the way, because I'm a very extreme person who puts immense pressure on herself. However, Mr. Kennedy put the kabosh on that, and Dr. Horgan backed him 100%. My way is fine.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Thank goodness for the band

After the debacle that was my four-day Christmas road trip, I hopped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 170. Considering the lack of beverages, lack of exercise and abundance of food, I'm damn impressed that I'm only up a pound. There were definitely many times when the band reigned me in.

You may notice that there is now a link on the left side of the page called "Food Journal." By popular demand, I'm posting what I eat for everyone to see. It sounded like a good idea when I proposed it, until I realized that all of you can judge my daily food choices. Yikes. Well, perhaps it will spur me to be better about it. I welcome comments about it, but please try to phrase it in a nice way. Be impressed that I figured out how to put the link on my page. :)

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Day

We do Christmas Day with my family. This year a couple of my uncles were in a big fight, and refused to attend the same family function. So we had Christmas and Alterna-Christmas, so the two big babies could each have Christmas. Instead of the Hatfields and the McCoys, my family is the Hatfields and the Hatfields.

At Christmas Number 1, the hosts either chose not to or forgot to serve any kind of non-carbonated or non-alcoholic beverages. One could drink pop or champagne or beer. So I drank champagne, and got more dehydrated by the hour. I also got some water out of the sink, so it wasn't the end of the world. It was just weird, like some cosmic conspiracy keeping me from beverages all weekend. I began to wither and wilt.

Want to know what a redneck Christmas looks like? When it's held in a garage. Christmas Number 1 was held in my family member's brand new garage, which he spent $50,000 to build. The house they live in is 1400 square feet of cramped living space. This new garage has two rooms, a bathroom, skylights, a hot tub, a kitchen, heated floors and is 1200 square feet. This seems like a strange allocation of resources to me.

At Christmas Number 2, the host served delicious barbeque, and pina coladas, and beer, and pop. What is up with that? At this point, I'm freaking dying of thirst, so we left early and went back to my parents' house to souse ourselves in ice tea.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas Eve at the Monster-In-Law's

Today I pulled a fifteen-hour day "celebrating" Christmas Eve with Mr. Kennedy's family. During the time leading up to our wedding, Mrs. Kennedy (his mother, not me) was actively nasty, but since then she has despaired of ridding herself of me and now is just vaguely dismissive.

Earlier this month, Mrs. Kennedy made a hyuuuge stink about how all her children must come home for the holiday. My husband and I had already planned to do so, so it was no skin off our noses. However, when we arrived bright and early after a four hour drive, as requested, Mrs. Kennedy was not at home. She had volunteered to pick up a shift at the local variety store. On the day she demanded that everyone make an appearance. On Christmas Eve. Keep in mind that Mr. Kennedy's sister and her husband had flown in from Georgia for this.

Speaking of them, they'd been there since the night before, and it clearly wasn't going very well. Both of them smelled like booze, and I found a half-empty bottle of gin hidden in the couch cushions. They were nipping off it every time the parents left the room. Guess I'm not the only one that has to drink to get through these occasions.

Keep in mind that this is a tiny rural town with no stop lights and one restaurant. It being Christmas Eve, the grocery store and restaurant were of course closed. Mrs. Kennedy has no intent to feed any of us (or my brothers- and sisters-in-law) until the evening. That's literally two meals from now. Keep in mind that she demanded that we all be there.

Mrs. Kennedy didn't get off work until 3:00. The house is a mess. Not a cluttery mess, but a filthy, family-services-take-your-kids-away dirty hole unlike that which I've ever seen. I took photos - if I can guarantee Mr. Kennedy won't catch me, I'll post them so you can see just what I have to suffer through. The kind of joint you don't want to sit down in while wearing natural-fiber pants. This is the state of her housekeeping when she has demanded that people come and be her houseguests. When she's hosting a family party.

When she gets there, she announces that we will not be eating dinner - the first meal of the day - until after mass. That would be about 10:30 p.m. I give up waiting for her to offer drinks, and the kitchen is so messy that I couldn't find any just laying around. You can't just pick up a glass and use it because there's no way to know whether it's clean or not. My policy when I'm there is to only eat or drink things that were sealed when they were handed to me. Mr. Kennedy went outside to scrounge around for something to drink, and comes back in with a bottle of water. This would prove to be the only beverage I would have all day.

After mass, we returned to the house where my brother-in-law is fixing dinner. My husband finds not one, but two dozen long-expired eggs in cartons sitting on the counter under piles of crap. They have clearly never been refrigerated. There is no counter space to work on, and the kitchen table is piled at least a foot and a half high all over. Mrs. Kennedy rummages around on the counter for a while and pulls out a pitcher of nearly black ice tea. I hear her mutter, "this will put hair on your chest," and she stirs in some water, and then serves it for dinner. Every salad dressing on the table had been expired for at least a year. I ate some of the twice-baked potatoes that I saw go straight from the freezer to the oven to the table, and that's it. I was too scared to take a chance on anything else. Get me the hell out of here.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Want to Know What I Eat?

People seem interested in knowing exactly what I eat. I'm thinking of posting the food journal I keep to this blog. If that would be useful or interesting to you, please leave a comment saying so. If a few people want to see it, I'll figure out how to do it.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Restriction Continues

This morning I ate my omelet, and about 1:00 I ate 3/4 of one of those disposable Ziploc tupperwares of chili with some reduced fat cheese. That's it for the day. I'm not hungry at all.

The tough part now will be not eating when I have the munchies. I have to learn to eat only when hungry, even if that inconveniences others or wastes food. I will dominate head hunger!

Mr. Kennedy got some blood work results back today, and his cholesterol is way down. Good news! However, his bad cholesterol is too low. You read that right. Apparently there is such a thing as too low. He's going to call the doctor to find out what he needs to do to rectify that. Sounds to me like nothing a deep-dish pizza a week won't fix.

I am saddened to hear of the death of John Spencer, who played Leo McGarry on The West Wing. I enjoyed his work, both on TV and in film.

Shopping Spree Total: $440

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Hooray!

Today's lunch was a 5 ounce salmon filet. I tried to eat a couple bites of salad after that, but I was very full and it hurt. Dinner consisted of a bowl of chili, but I drank during the meal and that allowed me to eat a bit more than without drinking. I wasn't hungry for dinner, but I ate anyway because it smelled so good.

Chili is a great weight loss food if you're conscientious about what you put in it. You make a bunch at once and eat off it, so it's convenient. It's very low calorie- a good size bowl of mine is only 5.5 points. It's quality food, and it has a ton of flavor so your taste buds are as satisfied as your stomach.

I went shopping for my Weight Watcher staples today: Progresso 99% fat free minestrone (2 points), salad greens, egg whites, chili stuff, grapes, green beans, pretzels, fish, chicken breasts, Frosted Mini-Wheats. I'm going to get it done now.

Shopping Spree Total: $435.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

By Jove

I think I have restriction.

For lunch today, I could only eat 1/2 of a chicken burrito and a couple of chips. I made an effort not to drink with my meal. For dinner, Mr. Kennedy and I went into the city to try a Thai restaurant. I ate two potstickers, a very small spring roll, and about six bites of curry, and I was so full I about brought it up.

Weekly weigh in: 171, even for the week. I took a good look at what I ate last week, and I need to make better choices.

Friday, December 16, 2005

An Ambivalent Day

This morning I had a hell of a time getting my omelet down. I thought it was because I was drinking a Diet Coke with it. Dr. Horgan said I can have soda if it doesn't hurt; he doesn't bless having it while eating, though.

Then I ate a Subway sandwich for lunch. I took the barest sip of Diet Coke after the first bite, and it was horridly painful. I concluded it was the soda, and knocked it off for the rest of the meal. I waited until the pain subsided and took another bite. It was every bit as painful as the one with soda involved. I choked down the sandwich, not thinking that I might be restricted.

My fill appointment was interesting, given the fact that Dr. Horgan never showed up and I had to have my fill appointment with Dr. Hot. Dr. Horgan had told me that he wanted to do all my adjustments. Dr. Hot checked me out under the fluoroscope and refused to give me more fill.

I was pretty bent out of shape about that.

Shopping Spree Total: $530

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Conference with Jody

I spoke with Jody today, and told her how much more restriction I had. She asked me if I felt the golf-ball feeling, and I said no. The sliming at BW3 was a good sign. ThatI had salad and bread for lunch today was not. That I feel not-hungry for nearly a day at a time was a good sign.

Ultimately she thought that it was up to me whether I got a little more fill - it could go either way. I made an appointment for Friday, which I may cancel depending on how I feel.

Shopping Spree Total: $520

Hmmm...

Not a good day on the weight loss front. My weight has bounced up to 173, up two pounds from Saturday. I have no idea how that could be possible - I only ate once all day. That reinforces the idea I have that if I take even one day off from the gym, I not only don't lose, but I actually gain. Total BS.

Speaking of BS, the West Wing wedding last night was a total bait-and-switch. I wanted to see some serious wedding decorations, but nooo. I did love it when Ellie's fiance said that he'd wanted to marry her since their third date, and the President said, "What was wrong with the first two?"

This morning I ate my daily 9:00 a.m. omelet, and I didn't feel like eating again until 3:00 p.m. I had two chicken strips and 2/3 salmon filet (leftovers from the weekend), but I didn't feel that full or slime again. Then I definitely didn't need dinner.

Shopping Spree Total: $515

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Not So Tight

We went to Chili's for lunch today. I had some queso and chips, and then a half cup of black beans and one-third of a salmon filet. I stopped eating on my own, and didn't experience the fullness or sliming again. On the other hand, we ate at 1:00 and I didn't get hungry again for the rest of the day.

Am I restricted, or not?

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Getting Excited

The day started off with a bang, as I weighed in at 171, down three for the week and 37 overall. I tip my hat to Weight Watchers for my hearty drop this week.

I stayed on liquids all day as promised, but I didn't make it to the 48 hour mark. There was a basketball game I wanted to see that was on a channel we don't get at home, so I loaded Mr. Kennedy into the car and drove to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch it there. It's not nice to just sit there and watch the game and not order anything, so Mr. Kennedy and I split an order of the chips and queso, and then I got six "naked" chicken strips. The strips are grilled and don't have any batter or anything on them. It was the best I could do at BW3 - it ain't a health spa.

The chips came out first, and I had about a third of the queso with tortilla chips. I started to feel like I was getting full, so I stopped to wait for my entree. When the strips came out, I ate one of them and felt so full that I started to slime a little, so I stopped. A few minutes passed, and the feeling intensified to the point that I wondered if I was going to have to go the bathroom and bring it back up. I hung in there, and the throw-up feeling gradually went away.

I kept looking into my chicken strips basket and counting the strips, to make sure that I hadn't eaten more than that. There were five in there every time I counted. Five. Five strips. I think I may be restricted.

An interesting side-note: All along the band has made me think more about what I'm eating and how much I eat of it. At this point, it takes a lot less food to look like "a lot" to me. That's been a gradual change, one that sometimes I don't even notice. I'll make an off-handed remark about how I'd eaten so much, and Mr. Kennedy will look at me like I'm crazy.

Shopping Spree Total: $510

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday's Appointment

Not a good time this afternoon, it wasn't. I went in a bit early for my appointment so I could talk with Jody before we saw Dr. Horgan. When he came in, she took him aside for a few minutes, and then we went back to the fluoroscopy room. I told him that I still didn't have restriction, and he responded, "That's no good, because you hardly have any room left in your band." I asked him for the final answer on what my band could hold, and he told me what he's told me all along: 5.2-5.4 cc is the maximum my band can hold. I burst into tears.

They put me in another room and went to have a powwow. When they put me back into the fluoroscopy room, it was clear that Jody had talked some sense into Dr. Horgan. He didn't give me any of the run-around about how I was losing so quickly that it was loosening the pressure on my stomach. He didn't say anything about how I should just stop eating after 4-6 ounces, or that I should go see the dietician.

Instead, he took all the fluid out of my band and then inserted a dye that shows up on fluoroscopy to check whether the band was leaking. It definitely wasn't. He checked to see how much saline came out when he took it all out. Only 3 ccs came out, and the records indicated that I was supposed to have 4.2 in there. He thinks that it could be a result of one or more of three things:
1. Some of the saline got hung up in the tube between the port and the band.
2. At some point he got some air in the syringe, which in turn got put into the band wth the saline.
3. The band absorbed some of the saline - I've heard of this before, and he said it's not uncommon.

He put back in 3.2 ccs, and had me do a couple barium swallows under fluoroscopy. My pouch did something it's never done before. It bulged a bit when the barium was in it. Normally the pouch has flat sides that taper evenly down to where the band is, looking rather like a cone. This time, mine looked like when you apply icing to a cakse with one of those paper funnel icing applicators that professional cake decorators use. When you squeeze the icing down, it bulges a bit before it gets to the decorating tip. Dr. Horgan was really excited to see that.

Jody gave me a talking-to about staying on liquids after a fill. She says she's noticed that her fills are a lot tighter if she complies with the liquids. I'm going to be really good about it, and try to contain my panic and impatience.

I had an omelet this morning for breakfast at 9:00. As of 10:00 p.m. this evening, I still haven't gotten hungry. My stomach is really noisy, but no hunger. Maybe this may be it?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Step Away from the Snowblower

Old Man Winter came to Chicago, pulled down his pants, and took a massive snow dump all over the place today. Mr. Kennedy talked me into buying a snowblower last week, and he's outside right now playing with it. I knew I'd come home from work and find him in his Carhart coveralls and coat, pretending to be back on the farm with his new toy. The dear boy is having his fun. I'm glad we bought the snowblower, because if this year is anything like last year there won't be a snowblower to be had in all of Chicagoland after the first snow.

The traffic here today was ridiculous, as the snow storm hit right at evening rush hour. Mr. Kennedy has a 20 mile drive home that normally takes thirty minutes. Tonight it took him two hours and fifteen minutes to make it here. All the people on the train tonight were quite smug as they looked out over the tollways on the way home. Everyone was basking in the virtue of being public transportation-takers. Many expressions of pity for the car people, but all said with a smirk.

To all of my Texas readers: I don't want to hear you guys whine about the cold. We live in Chicago, and THIS is where cold lives when it's taking a break from Minnesota. It's just the same as you not wanting to hear from us about how hot it is during the summer. You know hot. We know cold. Let's stick to our expertise. :)

Today has been an unusual day. I volunteered to teach two classes of eight graders in a public school on the South Side of Chicago about constitutional law. In honor of the season, I taught a lesson about religion in public versus private schools. The first class was a joy, and they got through the whole lesson perfectly and seemed to absorb a good bit.

The second class seemed to be a branch meeting of the Future Felons of America. They didn't do hardly any of the lesson, but they did accomplish the task of trying to look down my blouse. The teacher passed me a note just as class started, saying that this class was "remedial," and perhaps a lesson aimed at more of a fifth or sixth grade level would be successful. Hey, thanks for the information wa after when I could actually use it, jackass. Then he disappeared and left me alone in the classroom with kids who simply would not be quiet.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Maybe Not So Dire

Dr. Horgan's office has a person called a patient's advocate, who is a woman who has actually had the band herself. She's basically around for patients to talk to about how things feel inside and answer questions from a first-hand perspective. She called the house on Monday to find out how I was doing, but I wasn't there. We've been exchanging phone messages until she caught me at my office today.

I told Jody all about Friday's appointment, about how he said I had 4.2 ccs in my band, and how he said that food was backing up in my esophagus. I told her about how he just said I needed to see the dietician. She was stunned into silence, and then said, "We don't even use a 4 cc band." Remember, Dr. Nice told me a long time ago that I had a band that held 4-5 ccs. She put me on hold and went to get my chart. Then she told me that I had a band that holds 10 ccs (known to the DFW Bandster Board as "the big band" as opposed to "the small band"), and that the chart indicated that I had either 4.2 or 6.2 ccs in my band at present. She couldn't decipher whether the first hand-written number was a 4 or a 6.

We talked about how I had only brought food up once or twice for lack of chewing, and never for simply eating too much. We talked about how I could eat bread and salad and the entire host of other foods that most bandsters struggle with. She lamented the doctors' tendency to tell everyone to go see the dietician all the time, when the whole point of the band is that this isn't supposed to be such a huge struggle.

In a nutshell, I still have half or nearly half of my band capacity to go, instead of none like Dr. Nice told me. Basically I need to keep getting fills until I'm restricted. There's nothing wrong, and there's no reason to think that this isn't going to work out once we get to the proper fill level. Jody acknowledged that Dr. Horgan is not communicating with me, and she scheduled me for another fill on Friday. She's going to come to my appointment with me and make sure that he understands where I'm coming from.

On the one hand, I am ABSOLUTELY LIVID that Dr. Horgan and his residents were so sloppy in giving me information. I was indeed told that I had the small 4-5 cc band, and I believe Dr. Horgan reiterated that at one of my appointments. I know that he told me that I had 4.0 in my band at my last appointment, and that he added .2 ccs because he was at a point where he was giving my "micro-fills" to try to get it right. I know that he told me that I didn't have restriction because food was backing up into my esophagus, and I know he told me that that couldn't be addressed with fills. If Jody hadn't made that follow-up call, I would have given up completely and not gone back in for another fill, because I didn't think there was any room left.

I am also furious that I need to take someone else to my appointment to get my thoughts across to Dr. Horgan. I am a grown woman and a lawyer, someone others hire to make their case for them. But after having the same conversation over and over with Dr. Horgan and not getting anywhere, I don't think the problem lies with me.

I'm also really pissed that he always acts like I'm some sort of hypochondriac because I'm in there so much. Listen, buddy, you said it's supposed to do X, and if it doesn't do X to come in and see you. Well, here I fucking am. I paid good money for this, and I intend for it to do what you said it was going to do.

On the other hand, I am so damn glad that my band doesn't have a death sentence, I can't bring myself to dwell on the anger. Frankly, I still don't think it's ever going to work, but at least I still have some more things to try before throwing in the towel. And I'm willing to take Jody to my appointments if it means that Dr. Horgan will understand my situation and fix it. Even if I feel like a jackass because it's necessary.

Shiopping Spree Total: $495

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Very Bad News

I apologize for not updating the blog. I got very bad news from Dr. Horgan at my fill appointment on Friday, and I just haven't felt like talking about it. I still don't, but some of you have been asking, so here's the scoop.

Also, for some reason Blogspot is glitching and won't let me indicate that the post comes from a date different than the da I'm actually putting it up. Therefore the entire update will be under today's date, and I'll try to be clear about when things took place.

Friday, December 2

I went in for my fill Friday afternoon, and Dr. Horgan grilled me at length about how my band feels. I asked him how much saline I have in my band, and he said 4.0 ccs. That's very near capacity. After much back-and-forth about what I can eat, he told me that he thinks that my esophagus is very flexible, and it's letting the excess food back up into it. Thus my band doesn't punish me for over-eating. He gave me another .2 cc fill, for a grand total of 4.2 cc.

I am simply devastated. It seems unlikely that I am ever going to have restriction, because what my pouch won't hold, my esophagus will. I got the band because I need to have immediate consequences for over-eating. I am almost flat out of room in my band for more fill. Words don't do justice to how crushed I am to find out that this simply isn't going to work for me. Any further weight that I lose will be lost in just the manner that I lost the first 35 - through diet and exercise. You know, things I could have done for free, without an implant. Things that I haven't stuck to in the past.

Saturday, December 3

This week's weigh in: 174.5, down a half pound. I'm down 33.5 pounds, and have a half pound to go before I'm half-way to goal.


Sunday, December 4

I finally broke down and talked to Mr. Kennedy about how I feel about the news I got on Friday. I've been too heartbroken to even talk to him about it, and I'm not sure that's ever happened before.

He stressed how much less I eat now than before surgery, and credits the band for that. He also thinks that even if I basically have to lose the weight on my own, perhaps the band will help me keep it off. We went to Mass, and I cried through the whole thing.

To add insult to injury, I started taking Seasonale birth control pills today. I am so very pissed that I can't stay on Depo-Provera. I desperately want to avoid getting pregnant, and Depo is so convenient and damn near fool-proof. Plus no periods. I am terrified that I'm going to mess this up and get pregnant. Today was the first time I've ever even seen a birth control pill. They are very tiny.

In case I get all paranoid about side effects later, I've been shedding hair a lot for about a week. That happens to me every so often. It's not at all noticeable, and I don't think it has anything to do with the band. I just wanted to make a note of that, in case I try to blame Seasonale later.


Monday, December 5

I'm trying to pull up my socks about the whole band thing, and regroup. Mr. Kennedy and I decided we're going back on Weight Watchers - it worked before, and it will work again. I bought the 2006 books on ebay, and I'm looking forward to receiving them. Dr. Horgan called the house today to check on me, but I wasn't there. I'll return his call tomorrow. I wonder if it's even worth going in for anymore fills. It seems like all I could do is fill my band up all the way, and then I'd be screwed if I lose belly fat and the band gets even looser than it is now.


Shopping Spree Total: $490